nothing in the entire world that could ever make this okay.
According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or
have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five
distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss
is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry
with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.
Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything
we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day.
When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to
maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have
to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go.
We let go and move into acceptance.
I don't think our family will ever accept this. We spend our whole
lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to
predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow.
But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our
deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally
reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.
I always imagined you being there Bradley & now you just aren't here.
I miss you Brad & I think about you everyday. It's just not fair
because I can't see you anymore and you can't run up and tackle me
like you use to. You aren't here to run into the room and make
a mess of everything like always. And it doesn't matter how much
I cry, or how much money I have to give, I don't have a choice.
I will never see you again and it's just so frustrating. I want to punch
someone and I'm just so angry and flustered, but all of this does
absolutely nothing. You're gone forever. I can't change that.You were
the last of the Baltazar Barrons. It's been five months and I still feel
the same about all of this. I don't care what everyone says I will never
be okay this.
You would have been in football again this year. They're retiring
your number#10 this weekend. I wish I could be there for that.
I don't think I can forgive myself for choosing to come this far away
from my family, but I'm coming home soon. I think we're going fishing
again soon too, I know that was your favorite. I'll definitely miss
seeing your little face and your little legs jumping out of the truck.
Remember last time we went to Mammoth and you slid right underneath
the truck from all the ice? And my dad told you to grow some legs?
That was funny. Fishing just won't be the same without you Brad,
nor will camping, or anything else for that matter. I'll try to catch a fish in
your honor, but you know me sometimes all I manage to do is snag my line.
I love you Brad.
