I don't care

nothing in the entire world that could ever make this okay.
According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or
have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five
distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss
is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry
with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.
Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything
we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day.
When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to
maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have
to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go.
We let go and move into acceptance.
I don't think our family will ever accept this. We spend our whole
lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to
predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow.
But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our
deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally
reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.
I always imagined you being there Bradley & now you just aren't here.
I miss you Brad & I think about you everyday. It's just not fair
because I can't see you anymore and you can't run up and tackle me
like you use to. You aren't here to run into the room and make
a mess of everything like always. And it doesn't matter how much
I cry, or how much money I have to give, I don't have a choice.
I will never see you again and it's just so frustrating. I want to punch
someone and I'm just so angry and flustered, but all of this does
absolutely nothing. You're gone forever. I can't change that.You were
the last of the Baltazar Barrons. It's been five months and I still feel
the same about all of this. I don't care what everyone says I will never
be okay this.


You would have been in football again this year. They're retiring
your number#10 this weekend. I wish I could be there for that.
I don't think I can forgive myself for choosing to come this far away
from my family, but I'm coming home soon. I think we're going fishing
again soon too, I know that was your favorite. I'll definitely miss
seeing your little face and your little legs jumping out of the truck.
Remember last time we went to Mammoth and you slid right underneath
the truck from all the ice? And my dad told you to grow some legs?
That was funny. Fishing just won't be the same without you Brad,
nor will camping, or anything else for that matter. I'll try to catch a fish in
your honor, but you know me sometimes all I manage to do is snag my line.
I love you Brad.

Consistently Inconsistent.

i can't keep a journal, i can barely keep up a blog.
all in good time my friends. all in good time.


anyway chico is hot
and i'm sick
and its cool cause i get to miss class woo!
but then not... cause i gotta make up that work
eventually... BOO!

Guess I'm doing fine.

instead of getting my flu shot when i went home last weekend
i hungout with my friend, i just wanted some more time with him








now i have the flu =/
well besides that guess i'm doing fine.

Cycling Diaries.

i biked about 20 miles today. woo!
and i looooooooooved it! but
i'm pretty tired i must say one
of my most exhausting days by far.
chico squirrels are crazy and riding home
at night is no longer that exciting
especially when thinking about
"Pickle Surprise!"<--you tube it 

while on the road riding in pitch black and only having a 

little bicycle light and the wind blowing your ears and

the sound of crickets and all you i can see is the dense trees

it gets a little scary especially when i'm thinking of something 

creepy and green jumping out at me the whole damn time! 

well i guess it gets me home faster haha 

oh yeah and i said hella today somebody shoot me!

Well I guess this is growing up.

Seriously, I can't wait to get out of this age
why does everything always feel like
the end of the world to me?
My emotions are so crazy and so up
and so down.



blah =/
its the end of the world as we know it
on another note i love r.e.m.
mmm yes

Catch the wind.

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.




It was my choice to move 500 miles away.
I still don't know why I did this. I just
knew that I had to. If you ever read this just know
that when I left, I didn't mean to leave you.
We weren't over when I left & I'm sorry.
I miss you everyday and I still love you.
I probably always will.

So it goes.

"So it goes." <-- i know someone who got that tattooed to their knee and its a good phrase i think, so i've decided to use it this once, but anyway here are my thoughts for tonight or morning? i don't know how my life was meant to workout because i don't think anything is really MEANT to be. i just think shit happens and that's just life and there isn't anything special to it. sometimes i just make bad choices and thats how things are. on a usual day i get what i deserve. not ALWAYS, but typically yes. i don't believe in karma. i just believe in me. i realize this is public and it is a link to my facebook, but i kind of hope that no one reads this. and one might ask well why would you make this public then? i don't have an answer to that. i only know one thing--that i know nothing.

What have I become?

i doubt anyone would care enough to read this shit,
but here it goes. i wouldn't go as far to say that i hate chico
nor that i regret coming to school here. it has been quite an
experience so far and i spend a majority of my day riding my bike
back and forth through the city i ride about an average of hmm
a little over ten miles a day?? i'm not quite sure, but the point
is; i want to go home. familiarity is what i like best as wonderful
as this place is; it is not my home. i figure i just need more
time here to adjust, but i just can't see myself adjusting
to chico state lifestyle. all there is to do here is hike, bike,
fish and get drunk. oh and go to school of course... the
reason i am here... i always forget. not that i don't enjoy
hiking, biking and fishing they're on my list of top hobbies
but i still want to be home. i guess this is all apart of growing up.
and i suppose moving away and gaining independence
is suppose to help me figure out who i am and what i am
to become. what have i become? truth is nothing yet.

it's been a month. i don't know any more about myself
than i started out with. i'm not a pessimistic person, just
a realistic one.