IS DONE.
Maybe
I should've just stayed?
Maybe... I'll never make up my mind.
Scratch the last maybe, I'm sure of it.
Maybe... I'll never make up my mind.
Scratch the last maybe, I'm sure of it.
It isn't God who doesn't care.
It is us.
Someone join the peace corps with me its only 14 months?
My mother supports my dream and always has, I'm really glad she does
I need some to believe that I can do this. My mission to go after highschool
failed, but that's okay I can go once I graduate with my BA. I have gathered
a majority of my community service hours and I have 500 and
I did 40 hours this semester in a kindergarten classroom as a teacher's aide.
I really hope this works out for me. I've spent so much time and put in
so much effort. I wish the Peace Corps would just take me.
Someone join the peace corps with me its only 14 months?
My mother supports my dream and always has, I'm really glad she does
I need some to believe that I can do this. My mission to go after highschool
failed, but that's okay I can go once I graduate with my BA. I have gathered
a majority of my community service hours and I have 500 and
I did 40 hours this semester in a kindergarten classroom as a teacher's aide.
I really hope this works out for me. I've spent so much time and put in
so much effort. I wish the Peace Corps would just take me.
You don't know me so well,
I think you know that now.
I'm unbreakable.....
there's no need for fragile stickers.
I'm unbreakable.....
there's no need for fragile stickers.
So please please please
let me let me let me
let me, get what I want this time.
Wait, what was it that I want again?
Oh right, I don't know.
let me, get what I want this time.
Wait, what was it that I want again?
Oh right, I don't know.
This song
has to be the greatest, shortest song ever written by any human being.
or maybe i just really like Neil Young.
<3
or maybe i just really like Neil Young.
<3
Passenger
I'm taking the train home next Friday.
I'm leaving at 11:40am and should arrive 9:50pm
I still don't know why I prefer the train
to an airplane. An airplane only takes 50 minutes.
But if I had to guess I'd say its the idea of having somewhere to go
and really making it a journey; I like being alone with my thoughts.
Longer than 50 minutes. I like sitting by myself on the train or talking to
strangers whether its another boy trying to get back home as well,
or people from Germany just trying to see our country and hoping
not to get lost along the way.
I'm leaving at 11:40am and should arrive 9:50pm
I still don't know why I prefer the train
to an airplane. An airplane only takes 50 minutes.
But if I had to guess I'd say its the idea of having somewhere to go
and really making it a journey; I like being alone with my thoughts.
Longer than 50 minutes. I like sitting by myself on the train or talking to
strangers whether its another boy trying to get back home as well,
or people from Germany just trying to see our country and hoping
not to get lost along the way.
All you need to know
is that I love my father.
I can't wait to come home. I miss you dad and I'm sorry I didn't listen you, I should've stayed.
I can't wait until we go fishing again for Thanksgiving.
I can't wait to come home. I miss you dad and I'm sorry I didn't listen you, I should've stayed.
I can't wait until we go fishing again for Thanksgiving.
Okay.
You told me you weren't special
and that I haad no reason to love you.
I believe you now and I hope you're
happy to know that I don't love you
anymore.
And the only reason I don't love you
anymore is because I know that'll make you
happy. So there you go. I don't love you.
I left you, because you left me,
long before I'd actually gone.
"It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire
is no less than what you deserve, to assume that if you want
something badly enough , it is your God-given right to have it. . .
I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted
according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic."
and that I haad no reason to love you.
I believe you now and I hope you're
happy to know that I don't love you
anymore.
And the only reason I don't love you
anymore is because I know that'll make you
happy. So there you go. I don't love you.
I left you, because you left me,
long before I'd actually gone.
"It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire
is no less than what you deserve, to assume that if you want
something badly enough , it is your God-given right to have it. . .
I was a raw youth who mistook passion for insight and acted
according to an obscure, gap-ridden logic."
Fine, i like it this way. I am forever apathetic towards you.
Leaves are falling all around.
Leaves are falling all around, it's time I was on my way.
I won't lie, I'm going to miss biking down this street everyday.
It's been my life for quite awhile now and sometimes I wish
I was staying here because it is just so beautiful. Then I remember
how much I still long to be home and I don't wish to be any longer.
I only have a few weeks left here but I still feel like I'm waiting
for the second coming of Christ. It's awful.
I want the familiar, I never said I didn't like change
but I know I've got one thing I got to do... (at least for now)
Ramble on
this picture is blurry, but I took it from my phone so you can't ask for much
It's been my life for quite awhile now and sometimes I wish
I was staying here because it is just so beautiful. Then I remember
how much I still long to be home and I don't wish to be any longer.
I only have a few weeks left here but I still feel like I'm waiting
for the second coming of Christ. It's awful.
I want the familiar, I never said I didn't like change
but I know I've got one thing I got to do... (at least for now)
Ramble on
this picture is blurry, but I took it from my phone so you can't ask for much
And even if
it is heartbreak that I am feeling.
At least I am feeling something.
At least I am alive or so I think?
Just Maybe
Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.
Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.
Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human.
Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for
the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage
to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate, but why don't I feel like celebrating?
Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.
Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human.
Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for
the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage
to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate, but why don't I feel like celebrating?
What I've decided...
I've come to realize that what I have in front of me is absolutely beautiful.
My age; I'm so young and so full of life and so eager to live out everything.
I'm only 18 and yes, everything still feels like the end of the world to me,
but I've decided that this is a good thing, at least for now. Beyond this point
I'm not sure what my life will be like when I don't have those things to absolutely
ruin my days or make me unbelievably happy. We're all still young and all still
beautiful. I think we should enjoy our time and our youth. Maybe I'm into histrionics
but you know what? I live for this.
Trinity Alps.
So i went backpacking the other weekend for the first time. I must say, this is not a task that is easily done, but definitely worth it. It was snowing and 30 degrees a majority of the time. I couldn't feel my hands for most of the trip and I'm not going to lie sometimes I wanted to cry because my hands and my feet hurt so bad. Thank you poor circulation! I was not prepared for snow, but I made the best of things and didn't let anything phase me. All in all it there was only 30 miles done on the trip which probably doesn't like a lot to everyone for one weekend, but when its in the snow and you're wearing a backpack and weighs half as much as you it's pretty difficult. I'm just really sad that I don't have any pictures from the trip... since no one in my group had a camera =/ but hey i remember images pretty well! but I suppose now I'm not able to share the memory with anyone else. Oh well! But in case you were wondering the photo to the left is actually where I was on the Pacific Crest Trail, Toad Lake. Just picture that... covered in snow and you get the idea :) Oh and I had to hike all the way down there from above those mountains TOUGH STUFF I am for sure a weakling.
Cycling Diaries II
Well... I almost hit a deer the other day.... it was pretty weird.
I think the deer might have been retarded though because honestly
I don't understand how I was able to get that close without it running away.
I'm pretty sure I got more scared than the poor deer.
No more day dreaming while riding my bike. I guess thats one really cool
thing about Chico, that I can actually have the problem of almost hitting
a deer on my bicycle :D
Anyway I'm at home right now and it's been so nice.
I just want to stay here forever. Where everything is familiar.
I think the deer might have been retarded though because honestly
I don't understand how I was able to get that close without it running away.
I'm pretty sure I got more scared than the poor deer.
No more day dreaming while riding my bike. I guess thats one really cool
thing about Chico, that I can actually have the problem of almost hitting
a deer on my bicycle :D
Anyway I'm at home right now and it's been so nice.
I just want to stay here forever. Where everything is familiar.
I don't care
nothing in the entire world that could ever make this okay.
According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or
have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five
distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss
is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry
with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.
Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything
we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day.
When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to
maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have
to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go.
We let go and move into acceptance.
I don't think our family will ever accept this. We spend our whole
lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to
predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow.
But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our
deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally
reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.
I always imagined you being there Bradley & now you just aren't here.
I miss you Brad & I think about you everyday. It's just not fair
because I can't see you anymore and you can't run up and tackle me
like you use to. You aren't here to run into the room and make
a mess of everything like always. And it doesn't matter how much
I cry, or how much money I have to give, I don't have a choice.
I will never see you again and it's just so frustrating. I want to punch
someone and I'm just so angry and flustered, but all of this does
absolutely nothing. You're gone forever. I can't change that.You were
the last of the Baltazar Barrons. It's been five months and I still feel
the same about all of this. I don't care what everyone says I will never
be okay this.
You would have been in football again this year. They're retiring
your number#10 this weekend. I wish I could be there for that.
I don't think I can forgive myself for choosing to come this far away
from my family, but I'm coming home soon. I think we're going fishing
again soon too, I know that was your favorite. I'll definitely miss
seeing your little face and your little legs jumping out of the truck.
Remember last time we went to Mammoth and you slid right underneath
the truck from all the ice? And my dad told you to grow some legs?
That was funny. Fishing just won't be the same without you Brad,
nor will camping, or anything else for that matter. I'll try to catch a fish in
your honor, but you know me sometimes all I manage to do is snag my line.
I love you Brad.
Consistently Inconsistent.
i can't keep a journal, i can barely keep up a blog.
all in good time my friends. all in good time.
anyway chico is hot
and i'm sick
and its cool cause i get to miss class woo!
but then not... cause i gotta make up that work
eventually... BOO!
all in good time my friends. all in good time.
anyway chico is hot
and i'm sick
and its cool cause i get to miss class woo!
but then not... cause i gotta make up that work
eventually... BOO!
Guess I'm doing fine.
instead of getting my flu shot when i went home last weekend
i hungout with my friend, i just wanted some more time with him
now i have the flu =/
well besides that guess i'm doing fine.
i hungout with my friend, i just wanted some more time with him
now i have the flu =/
well besides that guess i'm doing fine.
Cycling Diaries.
i biked about 20 miles today. woo!
and i looooooooooved it! but
i'm pretty tired i must say one
of my most exhausting days by far.
chico squirrels are crazy and riding home
at night is no longer that exciting
especially when thinking about
"Pickle Surprise!"<--you tube it
and i looooooooooved it! but
i'm pretty tired i must say one
of my most exhausting days by far.
chico squirrels are crazy and riding home
at night is no longer that exciting
especially when thinking about
"Pickle Surprise!"<--you tube it
while on the road riding in pitch black and only having a
little bicycle light and the wind blowing your ears and
the sound of crickets and all you i can see is the dense trees
it gets a little scary especially when i'm thinking of something
creepy and green jumping out at me the whole damn time!
well i guess it gets me home faster haha
oh yeah and i said hella today somebody shoot me!
Well I guess this is growing up.
Seriously, I can't wait to get out of this age
why does everything always feel like
the end of the world to me?
My emotions are so crazy and so up
and so down.
blah =/
its the end of the world as we know it
on another note i love r.e.m.
mmm yes
why does everything always feel like
the end of the world to me?
My emotions are so crazy and so up
and so down.
blah =/
its the end of the world as we know it
on another note i love r.e.m.
mmm yes
Catch the wind.
In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.
For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.
It was my choice to move 500 miles away.
I still don't know why I did this. I just
knew that I had to. If you ever read this just know
that when I left, I didn't mean to leave you.
We weren't over when I left & I'm sorry.
I miss you everyday and I still love you.
I probably always will.
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.
To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
When sundown pales the sky,
I wanna hide a while, behind your smile,
And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find.
For me to love you now,
Would be the sweetest thing, would make me sing,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.
For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.
It was my choice to move 500 miles away.
I still don't know why I did this. I just
knew that I had to. If you ever read this just know
that when I left, I didn't mean to leave you.
We weren't over when I left & I'm sorry.
I miss you everyday and I still love you.
I probably always will.
So it goes.
"So it goes." <-- i know someone who got that tattooed to their knee and its a good phrase i think, so i've decided to use it this once, but anyway here are my thoughts for tonight or morning? i don't know how my life was meant to workout because i don't think anything is really MEANT to be. i just think shit happens and that's just life and there isn't anything special to it. sometimes i just make bad choices and thats how things are. on a usual day i get what i deserve. not ALWAYS, but typically yes. i don't believe in karma. i just believe in me. i realize this is public and it is a link to my facebook, but i kind of hope that no one reads this. and one might ask well why would you make this public then? i don't have an answer to that. i only know one thing--that i know nothing.
What have I become?
i doubt anyone would care enough to read this shit,
but here it goes. i wouldn't go as far to say that i hate chico
nor that i regret coming to school here. it has been quite an
experience so far and i spend a majority of my day riding my bike
back and forth through the city i ride about an average of hmm
a little over ten miles a day?? i'm not quite sure, but the point
is; i want to go home. familiarity is what i like best as wonderful
as this place is; it is not my home. i figure i just need more
time here to adjust, but i just can't see myself adjusting
to chico state lifestyle. all there is to do here is hike, bike,
fish and get drunk. oh and go to school of course... the
reason i am here... i always forget. not that i don't enjoy
hiking, biking and fishing they're on my list of top hobbies
but i still want to be home. i guess this is all apart of growing up.
and i suppose moving away and gaining independence
is suppose to help me figure out who i am and what i am
to become. what have i become? truth is nothing yet.
it's been a month. i don't know any more about myself
than i started out with. i'm not a pessimistic person, just
a realistic one.
but here it goes. i wouldn't go as far to say that i hate chico
nor that i regret coming to school here. it has been quite an
experience so far and i spend a majority of my day riding my bike
back and forth through the city i ride about an average of hmm
a little over ten miles a day?? i'm not quite sure, but the point
is; i want to go home. familiarity is what i like best as wonderful
as this place is; it is not my home. i figure i just need more
time here to adjust, but i just can't see myself adjusting
to chico state lifestyle. all there is to do here is hike, bike,
fish and get drunk. oh and go to school of course... the
reason i am here... i always forget. not that i don't enjoy
hiking, biking and fishing they're on my list of top hobbies
but i still want to be home. i guess this is all apart of growing up.
and i suppose moving away and gaining independence
is suppose to help me figure out who i am and what i am
to become. what have i become? truth is nothing yet.
it's been a month. i don't know any more about myself
than i started out with. i'm not a pessimistic person, just
a realistic one.
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